Take a step back

I wrote it day before yesterday...Sorry for making it too long. It's quite a different one and I personally like it. Hope you like it.

Once 

A misty evening,

You open your eyes,

To a thought.

A realization.

You feel 

Like a colorless clown,

running behind

a Rusty Mannequin.

Like a maniac.

Too tight, 

A griphold.

You struggle to let go

You fight yourself.

A tear

squeezes itself out.

Those trembling hands - 

Fail to find 

a light to fade

The darkness,

that you are about

to push yourself

into.

Finally,

the clock strikes 12. 

The griphold,

you let loose.

Take a step back.

Push him away,

as away as you can.

Deep breath,

you look behind.

The rusty mannequin

you Need.

The clown that 

you have become.

Drugged you feel.

Yet standing straight,

you avoid.

You are not worried.

A picture

in your head

tells you.

He will come.

Apologize.

Say sorry.

One day,

 there will be bliss.

The world shakes,

you stand,

A firm ground.

And you find-

the apple not eaten,

the strand of the ribbon

not broken,

not looked upon.

What If?

What if...

everything goes...

Backward.

The clock strikes 11.

The memories,

Etched forever,

You wait.

But

He never comes.

The sun never rises.

And it dawns 

upon you - 

He was never yours!

Hurt washes you over.

Your heart aches 

in grief.

He never needed you.

With

Blood-red eyes,

And stone-cold heart,

You Take a step back.

Solitude. 

Trying my best...

It's not my personal favorite...not that good...but yeah I wrote it some time back...decided to post! :)

It kills me inside

a little bit everyday,

to see you walk out

of the room

without realizing

how much you mean to me;

how much I truly need you.

It hurts me inside 

a little bit everyday,

to see you look at me

yet behave as if

looking through 

a glass wall,

through nothing, air.

It scares me inside

a little bit everyday,
to think of how
everything will fade
to darkness
and we'll be left
following paths that
never intersect.


I collapse inside
a little bit everyday,
when all my efforts 
bound me as if
I am gagged
and I can't get
the words across.


I lose hope inside
a little bit everyday,
whenever I see you
happy and feel
helpless to see me
so pathetic and lost.


I am dying inside
a little bit everyday,
because I keep 
running out of imagination
and can't seem to
get enough of you.


But... I AM trying inside
a little bit everyday,
because I know
I need to believe
even if you're a treasure

too far out of reach.


-

You mean more than everything to me..

It is kind of cheesy... But then again, I like cheese. :)

I buried it deep

within myself.

Because the thought 

of pulling you in, 

through it all,

feels like sin.

I swallow my tears,

gulp down my fears,

for I know I have no choice,

And I will have to

face it

Head on.

I grit my teeth,

and carry on.

Hide the failure 

through my eyes.

Or when I cease to talk

and dwell in, on negative thoughts.

Often I see myself

hungry for love.

Or even a mere nod

Or a kiss on the forehead.

With a different kind of assurity

that everything 

will be fine.

When the night closes down 

and my mistakes bury me

I feel suffocated

with no place to go

And that is when,

I think of you

so desperately.

You say you don't

mind helping...

But it makes me 

feel guilty,

for sticking onto you

like a parasite. 

You have no idea 

how it feels,

when in deep sea

the warmth of your hug

makes it all okay,

in one go.

That caring tone 

in your voice

is something I always

yearn for,

no matter how much I show

I can survive,

without it, I feel empty.

I try hard to hide it all

from the eyes of the world

try to keep it

away from you...

But you always

seem to hit bullseye.

How do you do it,

is a wonder to me.

But I guess

without you sweetheart, 

I would be no more than

a lifeless being

morose and helpless, in darkness.

I try to divert my feelings

and I can't help but realize

how much you mean to me.

I try my best to go on

but ultimately,

I can't seem to go on without you.

I don't know how to 

get it across but,

here's something,

I would like you to know-

Thank you...for everything

you have ever done...

Because it means more than

everything to me.

:)

Cold November evening...

 It is just a paragraph I wrote one night when I was kinda bored. Read it slow. . . Tell me if you understand it. :)

           I see you walking away from me. The look on your face, undigested. I keep staring at you, not facing me. And as you start walking, I slip my hands into my pockets. With a shattered heart, I look down, at my feet, at the road. I look up again, hopeful, only to see you with her, hand in hand. I see the lane, with cars parked on the right and shops to the left, all dull and gloomy. Suddenly the road seems quiet. The traffic suddenly slowed down. It’s November and the sun is setting. I shiver slightly, Goosebumps all over my arms, left cold. I look down again, numb and blank with no clue what to do, what to think. It’s uneasy, uncomfortable, standing alone on this road in the cold November evening. I wonder what went wrong, what I did or said. I am aware, I should be heading home but somehow my feet are all heavy. The place looks rusted. But you don’t. You look just the way you looked always. I look up in the sky, it’s still blue…with white puffed clouds. The sun, to my left, splashed the sky in tones of purple and orange. I took a deep breath. Pulled my hood over, brushed the strands of my brown hair aside. Everything feels heavy, out of place, alien. My chest hurts, badly. I wanted to curl up somewhere. Close my eyes. Not think about anything, and let the pain have me. With my hands in my jacket pockets, I finally pick my heavy legs and leave the place. I walk dead ahead, not bothered where I end up. The ever bowed head, with my messy and now moist hair. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered now. My ribs aching badly, I start crashing down. Breathing deeply, I look at the teardrop make an impression on my jeans. Why would you do that? I needed you the most, and that’s when you decide to disappear, vanish, go poof…and vaporize into thin air. Fog and mist cover my eyes. I’m generally not the kind of person who would cry over somebody. I clasp the chain in my right pocket and the pendant. It has your picture in it. It starts to drizzle. I realize I was sitting on the front porch steps of Mrs. Heavens. I bend down n tie the laces of my purple converse to avoid facing her…or the people walking by. I don’t have the courage to go to school tomorrow, rather go home and face mum. I rest my head on the wall of the staircase and before I know, I’m into deep slumber. 

Chapter #2!

Sorry for not blogging in ages...I realized I hadn't written much last couple of weeks. :P 
I decided to continue the story I wrote a month back...it's not much...and it's not even that nice...just something I felt like writing. 

Chapter #2

It was raining hard, pouring cats and dogs. I was breathing deep. I walked stealthily towards the door, one glance backwards to make sure I was alone and I slowly turned the door knob. Thunder struck and I shuddered. I hoped, with crosses behind my back, that the door wouldn't creek. Well, fate wasn't on my side. I had almost stopped breathing. With shaky hands, I opened the door. Followed by the loudest shriek ever, I opened my eyes.

***

I felt like banging my head on the desk. Ms. Jones made me get up and answer questions about stupid cells and their functions. My mind was busy examining the underlying reasons for me to have such a dream. It was a mystery. I never got to know who it was behind that door; although I did have my guesses.

It is said that a dream is a subconscious state where we tend to visualize something that has been buried deep in our thoughts - Weird. I don't remember thinking about anything near that. You should already get used to that…I am weird.

Now that I think of it, looking over the past, I have, as a matter of fact been a weird child and still do sometimes (sometimes? who am I kidding…) yeah, well, most of the times felt... weird, out of the place, alien. Ya' know what I mean? For example – I LOVE rains…I do… but then, I turn out to be the only one who HATES getting wet when it’s raining (well, at least among my friends).

Since childhood, I’ve had many disturbing dreams and they did, in some way or the other, affect me but I guess our fast paced life, failed to notice. I always avoided mentally disturbing movies and well, if I ever did watch, the scenes were bound to affect me either positively or negatively and then I tend to NEVER forget them. So, technically speaking, I don’t remember thinking about anything like that. It felt more like I was afraid that person behind that door was going to…nab me or something.

Fazed out, I got a nudge from Len. Biology was over. She looked at me like I was sick or something. Without saying much, we walked (almost ran) to cafeteria. She knew I was upto something…that something was wrong. But she knew I would tell he when the time was right…or when I felt like it. We had our space…yet we were very comfortable with each other. She was my best friend.

I couldn’t wait to see Damien. He was my other best friend. Only a best friend. Nothing more…so don’t get the wrong idea. He had the warmest brown eyes I’d ever seen. He was one person who could make me happy in a go. It was a miracle…considering I wasn’t one of those who would melt in a minute. That irritated me sometimes.  I hate admitting but I found myself more…at ease…with Damien rather than other good friends, even Len sometimes.

I saw Kailee, Harper, Chris and Damien sit together at our usual table. I sat down next to Damien, careful not to meet his eyes. The look in Len’s eyes pretty much summed up my behaviour. That sort of, did save me from the horde of questions I was going to be shot at anyways, so it was okay. Damien was aware about my dreams…just not that deep. He had no clue what was going on. He wasn’t aware they had started affecting me already. I tried to stay on a lighter topic and asked him about the Math homework we were given. He realized I didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t press much, even though I was aware I was going to have to face him sooner or later. I just wasn’t ready for it yet.

Lunch was over and we headed over to Calculus. Me, Len and Damien were closer than the rest but it didn’t matter much. Calculus, English, Spanish and Physics were the subjects where we were together; and Len had History.  

I stumbled in the doorway at Calculus. Mr. Burk smirked. Seriously, I have no idea what he had against me. I just rolled my eyes and made my way to the back seat. The seat to my right was always empty. It used to occupied by a girl named Dora…but she left the school and the seat was never filled again. Calculus dragged on. I was just short of a pillow…I swear, I could’ve had a good nap.

Calculus and Physics always did that to me. It was pathetic. But I passed on this one…

After Spanish, day ended, and reluctantly I headed home. The day was all gloomy and dull and it was about to start raining any minute. I had to finish my homework, avoid mum, watch tv. That was all I did. And believe me, avoiding mum needed practice. In order to do that, I decided to sneak in through the back door. The stairs were to the immediate left. Easy…

Had I known I was to expect something unexpected, I would’ve said otherwise.

*** 

Losing touch...

A poem I'd forgotten about...I found in my diary...recent yet old.. Not a personal favorite but I do like the ending few lines. Pretty chaotic.. 

What happens when you lose touch?

When you lose contact?

Your hearts shattered

Everything seems empty.

You keep the smile on your face

But underneath you're hollow.

That's when you remember

the fond memories

and joyful times together

and suddenly you feel 

that pain your chest.

It grabs you suddenly

and you're wide awake

when you'd fallen asleep

dreaming about it all.

You see the shadow

fading to darkness

and you hide your feelings,

and you're already breathless.

 Even though you can't bear it,

and you yearn for it, all over again;

You know there's nothing you can do...

'Cause it's already losing it's grip.

Wish you hadn't said somethings...

Wish you hadn't shown somethings...

Wish things had turned out differently,

And you didn't look like a fool, a loser. 

You're ready to change it,

You're ready to do it,

For that one person who meant everything,

You're ready to leave the world behind. 

But the time's gone,

You're already running late for it all.

It's a nightmare that came true,

and overpowered all the dreaming that you do,

And that's when you wake up, 

shudder and realize

wipe that tear in the corner of your eye;

You didn't mean to start it all,

And all you're waiting for,

is that one phone call.

Him Again. Review this one please! Chapter #1!

So, I recently wrote a short paragraph about this scene of a story that was running through my mind. :P I haven't really written after this one...but do tell me how it is. 


He was walking away from me. No. NO. It was as though my scream was muted. My throat hurt. I saw him till his shadow wasn't visible. It was dark. I shuddered. My eyes were wet. My right hand clutched on to something in the air. Hard. And that's when I landed back on earth. I dreamed again last night. I dreamed about him. It was a nightmare.

***

I could smell banana pancakes. They were my favorite. It didn't take me long to figure out why mum made them. I was going to have to visit a therapist. I heaved a long sigh. I WASN'T going to therapy. Not this time. My mom had started freaking out a week ago. When my nightmares had started again. They were attacking me. Worse than ever. I thought of last night, remembered about when hell had closed down on me. Like it did past a week now. How long was it going to last?

Mom came in, handed me a plate of pancakes and sat down beside me. I knew what was going to come next. "Sweetheart, I don't get what's so wrong about therapy." She stroked my cheek while she said that. I rolled my eyes and ate my pancake without a word. We were done talking about this for too long now. "Look, I know what you're thinking, but you should really consider it. Besides, it'll mostly be Carla doing it." She smiled while she mentioned her name. Carla Heavens - four years elder than me, an old neighbor. We were pretty close back then. But then, she changed her school, got new friends. The popular and pathetic kind. She took psychology as her subject of specialization for college. She probably had to counsel kinds as her a project. I almost smirked and my expressions must have been pretty obvious because Mom just then went "I thought you liked her..." And I said nothing. The phone just went off and Mom rushed out to take it. I rolled my eyes again. I didn't mean to be difficult, I wasn't usually. It's just... No Therapy.                    

Yep, that's about it.   

Showing the path..

Sometimes when the night grows long
and regrets run through your mind,
you look back on your life
and wonder what you've left behind.
You've won no fame or fortune,
no title, power or land.
No loyal group of followers,
no one at your command.

You brood on all the chances lost,
when you could have had the prize,
But fate stepped in and stole it
right before your very eyes.

Is there any hope for meaning,
any legacy to leave?
Any way to join the ranks of those
who struggle and achieve?

Then a small voice speaks inside you
of a deed done long ago,
a trifling thing or so it seemed.
You had no way to know.
Your kindly act of charity
that turned a life around
and set some soul back on the path
where freedom can be found.

If not for you would have gone undone,
only you could make it so.
You were put here for a reason, friend,
that only God can know.

Faith

I don't know why...but I really liked this one. It was true..to it's nature and it just..came. So..yeah..hope you like it. :)

You see him 

texting again,

It's gotta be you

simple and plain.

That's when

darkens the weather..

You haven't talked

in days together.

Strikes the chord,

the music plays,

instead of yellows 

it's blues and grays.

There is a big lump

in your throat.

You gulp

but it doesn't go.

Suddenly you feel

lonely all over,

insecure, weak 

and out of power.

You take a step

and play strong.

There's possibly nothing

that could ever go wrong.

And you await that reply,

all though the night..

and think positive,

happy and light.

You keep up hope

and fingers crossed.

But you gotta admit

you're scared and lost.

And just when 

you're about to give up,

You see her

and your fear is confirmed.

You tell your brain

mind and heart,

console yourself

to stay apart.

You hate this feeling

and you can't help it

'Jealousy' is the word

yep, you know it.

When time's passed,

and you're feeling alright

Let her have him..

You give up the fight.

You feel the breeze

take a deep breath.

Your time will come

No losing faith.

You

This was in the drafts and I realized I hadn't posted this.. 

Sometimes we wish and keep wishing

sometimes we hope and keep hoping,

but there is someone who

sometimes, fulfills both.

At times, I wish and keep wishing

even when I know it isn't working

with my heart not ready to accept

and a will not ready to shatter.

Once again, after years, I wished

and knew it ain't getting fulfilled

Along came you,

and built a bridge brand new

to that world of attention and heed.

It was different, it was nice

unexpected with absolutely no price

to see someone like you

make way for someone like me.

It was as though the sun

was peeping out of the clouds

after ages of darkness

there it was, shining bright.

And once when I looked back

I saw the journey I traveled so far

and thanked almighty or that caring hand

I'd finally found. 

If only you knew how much you meant to me.

If only you knew how much I needed you.

You made my day when it was dark

I thought positive when I was with you.

I thought people got used to loneliness

and I hoped I would too.

Seems I got it wrong

because I might see myself begging for you. 

So thank you for being there

when I needed it.

And I want to be there

when you need me too.